In the End, the Race is Only Ever Against Yourself
Modern life often feels like a race we never signed up for. We measure our days by what we’ve achieved, compare our milestones against others, and keep a silent scoreboard in our minds career titles, financial security, home ownership, relationship status, physical appearance.
Yet when we pause long enough to ask the deeper questions- “What am I running towards? Who am I running against? What am I trying to prove, and to whom?”-we often find that the real competition isn’t ‘out there’ at all.
It’s within.
The Trap of Perfectionism and Competitiveness
Perfectionism can look like a badge of honour- proof that we’re dedicated, detail-oriented, and ambitious. But research by Dr. Brené Brown and Dr. Thomas Curran has shown that perfectionism is rarely about healthy striving; it’s about fear. Fear of judgment. Fear of not being enough. Fear of failing in a world that celebrates only polished highlight reels.
Competitiveness adds another layer. In moderation, it can inspire growth and resilience. But when it’s constant, it becomes exhausting- especially when we’re competing against an ever-expanding social network of acquaintances, influencers and strangers.
Psychologists have long noted the ‘social comparison theory’ (Festinger, 1954), which demonstrates how we instinctively measure ourselves against others. While this might have been manageable in small communities, the digital age has magnified our ‘comparison pool’ to millions.
It’s little wonder we feel ‘behind’.
The Filter Bubble and the Illusion of Success
We weren’t born with a personal definition of success- this definition is created and shaped by culture, family, media, and increasingly, online algorithms.
Eli Pariser’s concept of the ‘filter bubble’ describes how technology personalises our information feed, showing us more of what we already click on, search for, and engage with. This means our ideas of ‘what’s normal’ and 'what’s desirable’ are subtly influenced by what our devices keep feeding us.
If you often click on luxury homes, you’ll see more of them, and soon it might feel like everyone lives in waterfront mansions. If you follow fitness influencers, your mind might start to equate success with a certain body type. Our bubble can distort reality, pushing us into invisible races we never consciously agreed to run.
What Is Success- Really?
We’re told success is financial stability, status and recognition. But countless studies reveal a different truth. The Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running happiness studies in history, has shown that success in life is best measured by the quality of our relationships and a sense of purpose- not wealth or fame.
When we strip away the noise, we see that ‘success’ is deeply personal. For some, it’s raising children in a loving home. For others, it’s creating art, building a business, serving a community or having the freedom to spend their days in nature. The trouble starts when we unconsciously adopt someone else’s definition of success, running their race instead of our own.
The Happiness Paradox
Psychologists refer to the ‘hedonic treadmill’ effect: once we achieve a goal, we quickly adapt to it and raise the bar again. That pay rise? Exciting for a month, then it becomes the new normal. The renovated kitchen? Loved at first, then your feed shows you something newer. Without mindful awareness, this cycle leaves us constantly chasing a moving finish line, never truly arriving.
Happiness, as research repeatedly confirms, is less about external circumstances and more about internal states- gratitude, presence, and meaning.
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky’s work in The How of Happiness suggests that up to 40% of our happiness is determined by intentional activities- habits and perspectives we can actively cultivate- rather than life events or genetics.
So Why Do We Push So Hard?
If success and happiness are internal, why do we still overwork, overextend and over-compete?
For many, it’s rooted in the human need for belonging and validation. From childhood, we’re rewarded for achievement- good grades, trophies, promotions. The underlying message is that our worth is tied to output. Breaking free from this conditioning requires courage and conscious choice.
We must be willing to step out of the comparison race, knowing that doing so might disappoint others or invite judgment. But the alternative- spending a lifetime running a race we never chose is far more costly.
The People Who Truly Make a Difference
When I reflect on the people who have had the greatest impact on my life, they’re rarely the ones with the most accolades or followers. They’re the grounded, earthy, spiritual, authentic souls- the
ones who radiate calm rather than competition, who show up fully present rather than distracted by the next achievement.
These are people who listen without rushing to respond. Who value connection over image. Who remind you of what truly matters not by lecturing, but by living it. Their influence is quiet yet profound. Being in their presence feels like coming home to yourself.
Making the Race Your Own
If the race is only ever against yourself, then the goal isn’t to ‘win’ but to grow- to become more aligned with your own values, more present in your own life, more compassionate towards your own humanity.
Practical ways to step out of the unhealthy race:
- Redefine success in your own words, regularly checking if your definition still feels true.
- Limit comparison triggers by curating your digital inputs- unfollow accounts that make you feel inadequate.
- Practise self-compassion by recognising that progress, not perfection, is the real marker of growth.
- Celebrate intrinsic goals like learning, kindness, creativity or personal breakthroughs.
Surround yourself with grounded people who remind you of life’s bigger picture.
A Gentle Reminder
At the end of our lives, the scoreboard won’t matter- not the number of followers, the titles, or the square footage. What will matter is whether we lived in a way that was true to us, whether we loved deeply, whether we found peace in our own skin.
The race was never about outpacing anyone else. It was always about walking your own path- at your own pace- while noticing the beauty along the way.
Join me, on this Highway to Happiness.
