When Your Need for Control Is Out of Control
(And Why Life’s Too Short for Perfection)
We live in a world that quietly worships control.
We control our diets, our schedules, our image, our homes and even how we’re perceived online. We micromanage outcomes and worry about what we can’t change, convinced that if we just try harder, life will finally feel safe, ordered and ‘enough’.
But here’s the quiet truth: control is often an illusion. And the tighter we grip, the more exhausted, anxious and disconnected we become.
The Hidden Cost of Control
Psychologists describe perfectionism as ‘a multidimensional tendency characterised by excessively high standards and overly critical self-evaluations’.
In 2019, researchers from the University of Bath analysed data from more than 40 000 people across the UK, Canada and the U.S. They found a 33% rise in perfectionistic tendencies since the 1980’s, especially amongst younger generations (Curran & Hill, Psychological Bulletin).
That means more of us than ever are living under the silent weight of ‘never quite enough’.
Perfectionism isn’t the same as striving for excellence. It’s fear in disguise- the fear of failure, rejection or losing control. It tells us that if we can just keep all the plates spinning- the home spotless, the career flawless, the body ‘just right’, then maybe, finally, we’ll be safe.
But the pursuit of perfection doesn’t bring peace. It brings paralysis.
As Brené Brown wisely said,
“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. It’s the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect and act perfect, we can avoid the pain of blame, judgment and shame.”
Perfectionism Stunts Growth
When we’re afraid to make mistakes, we stop experimenting. We avoid trying new things unless we can guarantee success. And because real life doesn’t work that way, perfectionism ends up blocking the very growth we crave.
A study published in ‘Personality and Individual Differences’ found that people high in perfectionistic concerns - the fear of making mistakes or being judged- actually achieve less, feel
less satisfied and experience more burnout than those with flexible standards. The irony is heartbreaking: the drive to ‘get it right’ prevents us from progressing at all.
We forget that learning is messy. That creativity requires courage, and courage doesn’t look tidy.
The Beauty of Imperfection
Some of my favourite people in the world are gloriously imperfect. They don’t look like models. Their homes are lived-in and warm, not photo-shoot perfect. They love animals, art, laughter and the small wonders of nature. They spill coffee, forget birthdays and sometimes run late- yet they’re alive in the truest sense.
They show up with open hearts. They don’t judge. They make space for others to be human. And that, to me, is the most beautiful kind of perfection there is.
As Japanese culture teaches through the philosophy of wabi-sabi- beauty lives in imperfection, impermanence and authenticity. Cracks in pottery are filled with gold (kintsugi), symbolising the idea that flaws can make something even more precious.
Imagine if we treated ourselves that way- seeing our cracks not as failures, but as gold seams that tell the story of resilience and depth.
Control Is Often Fear in Disguise
At its root, the need for control often hides a deep desire for safety. Many of us grew up believing that if we kept everything together, we could avoid chaos or criticism. But life will always include uncertainty- weather that changes, plans that fall through, people who surprise us.
When we resist this truth, we suffer. When we learn to accept it, we expand. Carl Rogers, one of the fathers of humanistic psychology, said:
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up. It means loosening our grip enough to breathe again. It’s choosing presence over perfection, curiosity over control.
When Doing Your Best Is Already Enough
One of the most liberating shifts we can make is from perfection to participation. Instead of asking, “Did I do it perfectly?” ask “Did I show up as best I could today?”
Because doing your best is a living, breathing thing- it changes from day to day. Some days your best is running five kilometres. Other days it’s getting out of bed and making a cup of tea. Both count.
The research backs this up: psychologists Martin Seligman and Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (the fathers of positive psychology) found that self-compassion and acceptance are stronger predictors of happiness and long-term wellbeing than achievement or control.
As Voltaire said: “Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good.”
The Freedom of Authenticity
When we drop the armour of control, something magical happens- we reconnect to authenticity.
And authenticity is contagious. It gives others permission to relax too.
Think of the friend who laughs loudly, who doesn’t filter every word, who’s honest about their struggles but radiates warmth. Don’t we all breathe easier around people like that?
We trust them because they’re real. They remind us that we don’t have to perform to be loved. In a world that prizes polished perfection, being real is radical.
Letting Go (Gently)
If your need for control has perhaps become a little out of control, start small.
• Notice when you’re tensing up. Control often shows up in the body- clenched jaw, tight shoulders, shallow breath. Use this as a cue to soften.
• Ask “What am I afraid of right now?” Naming the fear behind the control instantly reduces its power.
• Embrace imperfection on purpose. Let the dishes wait. Post the photo without the perfect filter. And that hedge can wait another week for trimming. Let life breathe.
• Practice self-compassion. Talk to yourself the way you’d talk to your best friend who’s trying her best.
• Surround yourself with the real ones. The people who care more about connection than performance, who see the beauty in simple living, laughter and love.
Life Is Just Too Short for Perfection
We can spend so much time trying to ‘get it right’ that sometimes we forget to live it right now.
Perfectionism robs us of presence- the sunsets we don’t notice, the laughter we don’t join, the joy we postpone until we’ve ‘earned it’.
But life isn’t a test we need to pass. It’s an experience we’re meant to feel.
So maybe today, instead of trying to control every detail, you just show up, exactly as you are. Messy, honest, human.
And trust that your authenticity, not your control, is what makes you loveable, memorable and enough.
As Leonard Cohen sang:
“Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That’s how the light gets in.”
Let the light in.
